One Surprisingly Easy Way to Change Someone's Life
“There’s a lot of difference between listening and hearing.”
Last week I had the opportunity to visit with a friend with none of our kids around (a true miracle!). Within a short time, she began to let me in on a piece of her story I did not fully know. Moments like those don’t come often enough so I was grateful for her vulnerability. She cried as she so tenderly shared.
In the past, I may have told her it was all going to be okay in an effort to make her feel better. Or maybe I would have told her that she shouldn’t feel so bad, that the circumstances were out of her control. Or maybe I would have given her some advice. “Have you ever thought about…?” Or maybe I would have shared a story of mine (or even someone else’s!) in an effort to relate to her.
Instead I listened.
And then when the time was right I acknowledged all that she was feeling and I validated those feelings.
By acknowledging and validating her feelings, I was letting her know that I was hearing her. I wasn’t formulating a response or placing judgment. I was simply listening to everything she was saying (and to everything her energy was saying, too.)
How often do we create space for people to openly experience their feelings?
We all have feelings and many of us feel guilty for having them.
Coaching school taught me much, yet out of all the skills and tools I learned one of the most impactful ones was the art of acknowledging and validating. I didn’t know just how important this little tool was (or how bad I was at doing it!) until I began to put it into practice.
Last week, as her tears were continuing to fall, she looked up at me and I said to her what I was hearing: “You are heartbroken.” And then I validated her heartbreak: “Rightfully so.”
Her shoulders relaxed and she took a deep breath in and before our time together ended she was smiling.
I didn’t change her circumstances. I didn’t fix her problem. I didn’t even give her suggestions on how she could fix them.
I listened.
The beauty of this moment was that I didn’t have to show up with any answers. I didn’t have to be the smartest one in the room. I didn’t even have to point her in the right direction. I simply had to be able to hear her.
Next time you get the opportunity to hear someone share their feelings give it a try!
A couple of helpful tips:
Avoid using the word “I.” “I know how you’re feeling.” No you don’t. Try instead to say, “It is understandable that you feel this way because…”
Validating does not mean you are agreeing with their emotions or even judging if they are right or wrong. You are instead letting them know that you can see things from their perspective.
Use the skill of acknowledging to ensure you are hearing them correctly and that they are understanding themselves correctly. For instance, “Let me mirror back to you what I hear you saying so I can make sure I’m hearing you correctly.” This gives you the ability to validate appropriately and even more importantly, this gives them the ability to further their external processing.
You’ll be amazed at how easy this one skill can revolutionize a conversation, further a relationship, and possibly change a person’s life.
And psst… you can even try this on yourself. Sometimes all our emotions are needing is to be acknowledged and validated before they are free to move along…